I wish grief didn’t exist. I’d rather be sad instead of grieving.  Sadness hangs around a bit and then it’s gone. Grief is sneaky. I never know when it will pop up.  Will it be a “passing thought” visit or an ice cream and tears visit? Never know.

I got back to Memphis from Minneapolis on Tuesday night after the funeral.  I thought I was doing pretty well when I arrived at work that morning. I smiled, made small talk, focused on work. I had on my industrial-strength big girl panties pulled all the way up. The elastic band must have been around my ribs. I stepped out at lunch to get something and the next thing I know, I’m trying to find the fastest way out of the Target, so I don’t break down over in front of strangers.

I stepped out at lunch to get something and the next thing I know, I’m trying to find the fastest way out of the Target, so I don’t break down over in front of strangers. I sat in the parking lot and cried. I was mad at my tears. Eventually, I pulled myself back together and went back to work.

Grief is like a weight on my back that I can’t reach.  It doesn’t really bother me until the status quo is disrupted, like when I see her name appear on my Facebook timeline, pass by a picture of her in my apartment or think about how she would respond to something.

Night time is the worst. I lie there trying to sleep, and grief torments me. I wonder why she didn’t tell me the cancer had returned. Was it something I did?  Was I a bad friend and she was just too good of a person (and friend) to let me know how badly I sucked at being a friend? I should have been a better friend to her.  I had plenty of opportunities, but I was so mired in my own shit, I was blind to the needs of those around me.  I wish I were a stronger person. Sleep would eventually come, but it was never complete.

This first week has been hard.  I can’t imagine what her family is going through. They had another service for her this past Saturday and laid her to rest in her hometown of Buffalo next to her mother.

I ordered a book on grief, Life After Loss by Bob Deits, and it arrived on Saturday. I just started reading it, and it looks promising.