Prince died Thursday. I thought it was a silly rumor at first, but when the Associated Press confirmed it well, you have to believe it then, right? Aside from the standard tears, shock and disbelief, I felt like I had swallowed a millstone. I slept most of the day. Something was off. I just couldn’t deal.
The next morning, I threw up that millstone along with decades of memories, expectations, disappointment and shame. Prince was more than a role model; he was the touchstone for my creative life.
I first encountered Prince in 1984, with the release of Purple Rain. My brother and I went to see it at the shiny new mall in Aurora, Colorado. I’d heard his music before, but Purple Rain was…everything.
You see, I was an *unusual child* as they say. Different. Odd. I was highly creative, my clothes never looked right, I understood things I shouldn’t have, talked to plants and animals, and I wrote strange stories that worried the adults on more than a few occasions. These were aspects of my personality – not a phase or anything. It was just who I was.
I first felt the weight of conformity in 1984 as I began my journey into womanhood at the age of 12. It was now time to grow up and act right. I had been indulged long enough. I didn’t understand it back then, but in hindsight, being a Black girl in America was challenging enough; adding oddness to the mix seemed dangerous.
But in that darkened theater in Colorado, when I saw Prince rolled up to First Avenue on that motorcycle, I saw possibilities that gave conformity the middle finger.
Let’s examine that more carefully: a Black man wearing makeup, high-heeled boots, a fabulous press & curl, a silk suit and ruffled shirt pulls up to a nightclub on a purple motorcycle in 1984.
What?!? He’s not supposed to do that. That isn’t what boys do. I was learning the grown-up rules, and THIS went against damn near all of them!
As the movie progressed, I saw people wearing underwear in public. They had on masks, furs, and psychedelic makeup but more importantly, they were all making incredible music.
Then there was the puppet. Nestled in its velvet purple cone, popping up when Prince needed a confidant. What, he talked to non-people too?!? I can’t tell you how badly I wanted that puppet!! Magic did exist in the world and that purple cone was the fount from which it poured.
If he didn’t have to follow the *supposed-to-be,* grown-up rules, then why did I? It gave me hope that there was a place in this world for someone like me after all. Prince MADE his own rules and transformed the world in the process. He didn’t grind down his uniqueness to make others comfortable. He provided them with an opportunity to examine their discomfort and grow from it.
Prince lived and died doing what he loved. And in the end, isn’t that the only life worth living?
So, I’m struggling. I had certain expectations about a couple of professional opportunities that turned up and my hopes were dashed. Like I just knew things were going to work out like I wanted them and, of course, that didn’t happen. So now I sit here licking my wounds, anxious about how to proceed; feeling insecure about my own talents and abilities. This has been tremendously stressful and frankly, a blow to my self-esteem.
Intellectually, I know it is because I am not living in the present moment. I am lamenting the past and worrying about the future. But emotionally, I just want to lie in bed with the covers over my head!
So for my meditation this morning, I used a practice Thich Nhat Hanh mentioned in his book, Living Buddha, Living Christ. It is one of the mindfulness meditations he learned as a novice monk to focus the mind on the beauty of the present moment.
Breathe in – calming
Breathe out – smiling
Breathe in – present moment
Breathe out – wonderful moment
It really helped me clear my mind of negative thoughts and focus on listening to the wisdom of the universe.
I am trusting that things will work out for my highest good. (Hey, that’s one of my favorite affirmations!)
Note: I wrote this in Nov. 2015
So, I drove to Jackson, Miss. yesterday to get fingerprinted for work. It was a three-hour drive to the facility, and the fog was thick along the way. When I arrived, knitting in hand, I was surprised that the entire process took less than 10 minutes—not a single purl. Three hours of driving for a 10-minute appointment. Yep.
Not looking forward to spending three more hours in the car, I stopped at Eudora Welty’s House for a quick tour.
Standing before Eudora’s books, on Eudora’s sleeping porch, in Eudora’s house I saw the truth of my life.
It was so fascinating to be in the house of one of the writers who inspired me back in my college and grad school days. I wrote so much back then, but life slowly crept in, marinated in the constant reminder that “I couldn’t make a living as a writer.” Slowly but surely, I put down my pen and started using my computer for watching videos, online dating, and countless revisions to my resume.
But being in Eudora’s house…
I remember standing in Eudora’s living room listening to the docent talk about various pieces in the room and what they meant to a woman who left a mark so deep on my soul, I don’t remember anything I read by her, but I grew considerably while sitting at her knee.
Yet, I was anxious to get to the dining room. Then in the dining room, I couldn’t wait to get to the kitchen. I was disconnected. Removed from what was in front of me and, of course, this is how I live my life. Waiting for this to be over to get to the next thing. The next thing that may bring joy, happiness, or the chance to show society or whoever is watching, that I have value.
There in Eudora’s dining room, I forced myself to be present. I listened to her as she described how Eudora and her guests used the gigantic dictionary in the dining room to unravel dinner debates. I absorbed the beautiful, hand-painted Haviland china and the chest of drawers build for her father without a single nail. Marvelous. And of course, there were books. In the dining room bookcase, on the sideboard, and on the table. Everywhere.
Being in Eudora’s house brought it all back. The excitement and fearlessness that women writers have, which left untapped turns to bitterness. I started to see again. To feel all the beauty of being truly alive. For a moment, I had a taste of what it was like not to fret, to live boldly—excuses and caveats be damned! My fearlessness was still there—not quite suffocated.
Eudora Welty lived on her own terms. She wrote, painted, took pictures, gardened and cooked. She went to parties, gave lectures, and socialized with her famous friends. But at home alone, she sat in a comfy wing back chair next to large airy windows looking out on the street, and she read.
Thousands of books on shelves, on the sofa, in trinities on the floor in just about every room in the house.
There were more than 15,000 books in her house when she died. The historical society moved all the books she acquired after 1985 to the education center next door, yet the house vibrated with literature.
Upstairs, I had the great privilege of seeing a row upon row of her own novels in English, German, Japanese and many other languages. I wanted to weep. I felt thrilled at her accomplishment and ashamed that I had given up on my dreams and goals so easily because they didn’t come with a parade.
I gave it up for what was to be an easier path—consistent income and societal approval—conformity, a broken spirit, and debt. I gave up my dream for a safe path in modern America, and it has nearly killed me.
Standing before Eudora’s books, on Eudora’s sleeping porch, in Eudora’s house, I saw the truth of my life.
I left Eudora’s house with thoughts of writing, books, camellias, and scrubbing away the bitterness. I am to write.
BTW, The Welty House and Gardens are amazing!! I wasn’t allowed to take photos in the house for archival preservation reasons, but please visit if you get a chance. It is so worth it!!
I was born in stress. Literally. I entered the world with the umbilical cord wrapped so tightly around my neck, the capillaries in my eyes burst. And once stress had its hold on me, it didn’t want to let go.
I was an incredibly stressed out kid. From swelling up like a basketball at 6 months (food allergies) to throwing my lunch box at my 3rd-grade teacher, I was always in some level of distress. And of course, this thing called adulting comes with its own issues.
Yet, through it all, I remained a rather happy, optimistic, curious person with the ability to see the world with new eyes every day.
Honestly, it has been my saving grace.
So What’s Going on Here
I have tried a variety of healthy stress management techniques: meditation, yoga, mindfulness, aromatherapy, pranayama breathing, nutritional supplements and many others. They provided some relief, yet there was always something missing.
That missing piece was knowledge. I *used * these techniques, but I never really believed I could escape the nefarious clutches of stress.
Until I started to understand stress objectively as part of cause & effect relationship. (No evil intent at all!)
UnStress My Life
So here we are, exploring my relationship with stress and changing it for the better. I will be revisiting the stress management techniques mentioned above and many more to provide basic tutorials on each as well as showing myself using them in times of distress.
Because everyone knows it is a much more challenging to use these techniques when you feel like running around screaming!
Most of all, I want to have a great time learning about myself, others and contributing to universal harmony.